【雅思作文批改】5分：对图形分析类作文比较陌生

【雅思作文批改】5分：对图形分析类作文比较陌生

• 01

  今天的题目是饼图+线图，这位同学显然对图形分析类作文比较陌生，论述时观点不够清晰，应该要分清主次，但语法还不错，最终得5分。看看老师是怎样评价的？
  
  
  
  
  作文题目：
  
  
  
  
  作文内容：
  
  The chart illustrates that how many units of electricity be[A1]demanded normally in England winter and summer.The graph presents four factors of an average English family electricity consumption.[A2]
  
  It is clear to see that people need far more electricity in winter than that in summer totally in England.There is a significant increase in the units of electricity from 35000 in 0am to 40000 in 3am in winter,in contrast to 1800 units of electricity in summer.Furthermore, electricity consumption declines constantly to about 13000 units in summer and the figure reduces the lowest point(3000 units)in winter the next 6 hours.A fluctuation can befound in the data in summer between 9am and 21pm.Meanwhlie,the figure climbs to the peak at 45000 units in winter.Then,a similar decreased rapidly trend appears in the rest of day.
  
  Heating rooms and water is the primary factor of electricity[A3] ,with about half of respondents[A4]rating this highly.17.5% electricity is consumed for Ovens,kettles,washing machines,with lighting,TV(15%) and vacuum cleaners,food mixers contribute[A5]to electricity consumpution equally.
  
  Overall,the amount of electricity demanded in winter is around twice as that in summer.Heating is the prominent element for electricity consumption.
  
  
  [A1]Be-are
  [A2]Four factors of the electricity consumption in a common British household
  [A3]Electricity cost, 这里是电力消耗的四个因素，而不是电力
  [A4]Respondents这个信息文中并未提及，这句算是你的推测，不建议写
  [A5]contributing
  
  
  各项细评：
  
  
  
  
  针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
  
  1. 显然对线图的写法很陌生，这是一个双线图，建议不要混在一起写，这个双线图整体趋势很类似，就是在波动，但又有区别，而且要把两个线图的极值指出来。先描写总体的变化趋势，再分段去写。
  2. 饼图其实很明显，供暖占据绝大比例，这与线图冬天电力需求大相对应，而且234三个因素都只占百分之十几，这一点可以提一下。
  亮点，饼图有两个因素占比一样，明确指出；结论段提出了线图的一个规律就是倍数。
  
  附批改原图：